Blog 9 - Music to a Grieving Person's Ears

Something that I like to remind people, when I’m officiating a funeral or memorial service, is to continue to reach out to those most deeply impacted by the loss, in the weeks, months, and years afterwards.  I like to remind them that you can’t make a person “more sad” by mentioning the name of the person who died and in fact, you will have the opposite effect.  By saying the name of the person who died, you will make a grieving person happy.  You will make them happy because you are acknowledging that you remember their loved one.  You will make them happy because you are meeting them in a place (their grief) where they often feel isolated and alone.  You will make them happy because the name of their person brings them joy and it connects them to the love they have in their heart. 

In this modern era, none of us really have an excuse.  Our phones, our laptops, and our devices can send us “reminders” for anything and everything.  All we have to do is pick a date in the future and plug in a reminder.  When it comes to the people we care about, it’s as simple as creating a reminder for the 6 month anniversary of the death of their family member;  Or the one year anniversary of the death; Or their birthday or wedding anniversary or any number of other important dates and occasions.  Then when the reminder pops up, we pick up the phone and call. We call and we talk and we say, “I remember how much __(name)__ loved peach ice cream. Every time I eat it, I think of him.”  Or we say, “I remembered that today is __(name’s)___ birthday. What did you do to celebrate it the last time you were together?”  You get the idea.  We acknowledge, we ask, we listen, we remember with them.  It’s such a simple thing and it will be deeply appreciated by the person on the other end of the phone.   

Here’s what I can tell you- nine years after my first husband died, there are still a few people who reach out to me every year on the anniversary of his death to let me know that they’re thinking of me and that they’re thinking of him.  From time to time, there are a few people who will reach out to me randomly to say things like, “Every time I drive by the cemetery, I wave to Santiago and tell him, ‘Hi’.”  Do you know what it sounds like when someone says my first husband’s name to me?  It sounds like music.  His name is music to my ears.  It’s utterly lovely.  And the name of the deceased person will sound the same to others whom you know are grieving.  You will make their day by reaching out and talking about their person, asking for a story, or sharing a memory.   This is one way that we can accompany someone on the grief journey.  This act of remembering is powerful.  A simple phone call or a card in the mail can mean the world to someone who’s feeling alone.  Now go put post-its on your calendar and make some reminders!