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Managing the Details of a Cremation Service Without Stress

Mon, 13 Jan 2025 12:00:08 GMT

Discover how Naugle Funeral & Cremation Service, Ltd. makes arranging cremation services process filled with care and without stress.

In the journey of life, saying goodbye to a loved one is undeniably one of the hardest moments we face. Choosing cremation services in Perkasie, PA , to honor their memory can be a decision filled with personal significance and respect for their wishes. However, managing the details of a cremation service doesn't have to add to the emotional burden during this sensitive time. This article aims to guide you through organizing a meaningful farewell without the stress, focusing on compassion, understanding, and simplicity. Keep reading to discover how you can navigate this process with ease, ensuring a dignified celebration of life for your dear one.

Streamlining the Cremation Planning Process

Streamlining the Cremation Planning Process involves breaking down the essential steps and making informed choices with a sense of calm and clarity. The first step is to gather the necessary documents, such as the death certificate and authorization forms, which are foundational to proceeding with dignity and legality. Next, choosing a provider that aligns with your values and needs can greatly reduce stress. Look for a funeral home that offers personalized services and has a compassionate approach to guiding families. Communication is key; engaging in open and honest discussions about preferences and desires for the service can help ensure that the final farewell truly reflects the life and legacy of the loved one. Additionally, leveraging digital tools for arrangement processes can further simplify planning, allowing families to make decisions in their own space and time. By focusing on these aspects, the journey through planning can become a path of healing and tribute rather than an overwhelming hurdle.

Simple Steps for a Stress-Free Service

Simple Steps for a Stress-Free Service begin with setting a clear and achievable vision for the ceremony. It's about focusing on what truly matters – honoring the memory of the loved one in a way that feels right to you and your family. Start by selecting a date and venue that provide a comforting atmosphere, allowing for a gathering that encourages shared memories and support. Engaging in pre-planning discussions can also alleviate much of the pressure, enabling decisions about the service's scale, tone, and personal touches to be made without urgency. Consider incorporating elements that reflect the individual’s personality and legacy, such as music, readings, or a display of cherished photographs. Facilitate an environment where attendees feel connected and comforted, maybe through a shared activity or memorial keepsake. Delegating responsibilities among family members or close friends can also distribute the load, making the planning process more communal and less burdensome. Remember, the aim is to create a moment of closure and celebration, not perfection, allowing space for grief and remembrance to coexist.

Tips for Reducing Pressure During Arrangements

Tips for Reducing Pressure During Arrangements focus on organizational strategies and emotional support to navigate through this challenging time with grace. Begin by creating a checklist of tasks to be completed, breaking them down into manageable actions. This approach provides clarity, making the overall process less daunting. Lean on the expertise of professionals who are adept at guiding families through these moments; their experience can be a beacon of comfort and a practical help. Embrace the support of your community, whether in the form of companions who can help with errands or friends who offer a listening ear. It's also critical to prioritize self-care to maintain your well-being. This can mean taking breaks when needed, seeking counseling or grief support groups, and remembering to eat, sleep, and exercise. Keeping communication lines open among family members can help distribute tasks according to each person's strengths and availability, fostering a sense of teamwork and mutual support. Lastly, remember to approach the process with flexibility, understanding that adjustments may be needed along the way. This mindset can significantly diminish the weight of expectations, making space for a more adaptive and compassionate planning experience.

Navigating through the details of arranging a dignified farewell with cremation services Perkasie, PA, doesn't have to be a solitary journey filled with stress and uncertainty. Here at Naugle Funeral & Cremation Service, Ltd., our commitment is to stand beside you, offering guidance, support, and personalized options that honor the life of your loved one while respecting your family's wishes and budget. With a focus on compassion and expertise, we invite you to reach out to us . Let us help you through these steps, ensuring a stress-free process that allows you to focus on what’s truly important — remembering and celebrating the life of your loved one.

Blog 10 - Sifting Through Your Life

cbonifacino@janauglefcs.com (Carin Bonifacino) — Mon, 05 Feb 2024 21:35:27 GMT

What if you wrote your own obituary?

At the funeral home, one of the things we often do is help families write the obituaries for their loved ones. We start with a basic template and fill in the details of the person’s life. Often, someone in the family with a flair for writing will add more personal information and creative touches to the document. The whole undertaking is part creation of a public document and also a process of “taking stock”- taking stock of what the family will remember, what mattered most to this person, and what were the highlights of their life. An obituary is a snapshot (indeed, there’s usually a photograph attached to it) and it can be a very cathartic process for those closest to the person to participate in creating it.

But I’d like to pose a question to you - what if you wrote your own obituary? What if you wrote it right now? Today? How would you sum up your life thus far? What would be the highlights? As you look back, what would you say has mattered most and what’s been most meaningful? If you could write any last words to the people you love, what would they be? To whom might you express gratitude and to whom might you impart advice?

When I have posed this question to people, that is, “what if you wote your own obituary?” I am often met with shock and horror. I, too, would have shaken my head and found the whole idea pretty crazy not that many years ago. But the older I get and the more people I lose, the more I am acutely aware of the inevitability of my own demise. And rather than keeping that knowledge in the back of my mind, I find that the more I keep it in the front (ish), the more I appreciate the time I have and the fact that I’m still here.

And so, for those who are willing to consider it or maybe even give it a try, writing your own obituary is an exercise. It’s an exercise in acknowledging your mortality. For the person doing the writing, this can be a pretty emotional and cathartic experience. And yet…and yet, there is such deep peace to be found in it. There is such deep peace to be found in the process of sifting through your life to decide for yourself what has held up on the journey and what has not, what’s worth saving and what’s worth letting go, what’s important to mention and what’s not. You get to decide and you create the snapshot. You get to paint the picture of your life and you can paint it any way you’d like!

Here’s what I can tell you - I wrote my obituary 8 or so years ago. I find that I fear my death less and I’m more present in my life as a result. I know what will be published about me because I wrote it myself. My children can add to it if they’d like and that’s fine but the basic gist of it is from my heart and those are the final words that anyone will ever hear from me - at least in this realm! If you like to do introspective or spiritual/emotional growth work, this is as good as it gets. It’s one heck of an assignment and the payoff is powerful!

For inspiration here are links to some wonderful obituaries written by the actual person before he or she died:

This one is beautiful - Jane Catherine Lotter - 2013

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/seattletimes/name/jane-lotter-obituary?id=13178192

This one is funny - Val Patterson - 2012 https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/saltlaketribune/name/val-patterson-obituary?n=val-patterson&pid=158526785

This one is moving - John A. Hottell - 1970 (Scroll all the way down the page to read the obituary he wrote before he shipped off to Vietnam.)

https://www.west-point.org/users/usma1964/24930/

Blog 9 - Music to a Grieving Person's Ears

cbonifacino@janauglefcs.com (Carin Bonifacino) — Mon, 04 Dec 2023 20:33:55 GMT

You can never make a person "more sad" by saying the name of their loved one.

Something that I like to remind people, when I’m officiating a funeral or memorial service, is to continue to reach out to those most deeply impacted by the loss, in the weeks, months, and years afterwards. I like to remind them that you can’t make a person “more sad” by mentioning the name of the person who died and in fact, you will have the opposite effect. By saying the name of the person who died, you will make a grieving person happy. You will make them happy because you are acknowledging that you remember their loved one. You will make them happy because you are meeting them in a place (their grief) where they often feel isolated and alone. You will make them happy because the name of their person brings them joy and it connects them to the love they have in their heart.

In this modern era, none of us really have an excuse. Our phones, our laptops, and our devices can send us “reminders” for anything and everything. All we have to do is pick a date in the future and plug in a reminder. When it comes to the people we care about, it’s as simple as creating a reminder for the 6 month anniversary of the death of their family member; Or the one year anniversary of the death; Or their birthday or wedding anniversary or any number of other important dates and occasions. Then when the reminder pops up, we pick up the phone and call. We call and we talk and we say, “I remember how much __(name)__ loved peach ice cream. Every time I eat it, I think of him.” Or we say, “I remembered that today is __(name’s)___ birthday. What did you do to celebrate it the last time you were together?” You get the idea. We acknowledge, we ask, we listen, we remember with them. It’s such a simple thing and it will be deeply appreciated by the person on the other end of the phone.

Here’s what I can tell you- nine years after my first husband died, there are still a few people who reach out to me every year on the anniversary of his death to let me know that they’re thinking of me and that they’re thinking of him. From time to time, there are a few people who will reach out to me randomly to say things like, “Every time I drive by the cemetery, I wave to Santiago and tell him, ‘Hi’.” Do you know what it sounds like when someone says my first husband’s name to me? It sounds like music. His name is music to my ears. It’s utterly lovely. And the name of the deceased person will sound the same to others whom you know are grieving. You will make their day by reaching out and talking about their person, asking for a story, or sharing a memory. This is one way that we can accompany someone on the grief journey. This act of remembering is powerful. A simple phone call or a card in the mail can mean the world to someone who’s feeling alone. Now go put post-its on your calendar and make some reminders!

Blog 8 - The Service is the Medicine

cbonifacino@janauglefcs.com (Carin Bonifacino) — Fri, 03 Nov 2023 17:44:41 GMT

"It's a kind of physical therapy for grief."

In the modern era, many people have forgotten what the reasons are for having a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life. As more people move away from traditional religion and as we as a society have less and less experience in the realm of death and dying, the necessity for a gathering of some kind after a loved one’s death, can seem unimportant. “It’s not going to bring the person back,” some might say. “It’s just a lot of formality,” others might say. And for some it can seem like something only “church people” do or an event that might put them on display as grieving people and they don’t want to be in the spotlight.

Whatever the reasons are why people choose not to have a service in this day and age, the unfortunate reality is that they are missing out on the very thing they need in the days and weeks after a loss. Alan Wolfelt is a nationally renowned author, teacher, and speaker on grief and in his work he describes the “six tasks or needs of mourning.” What he has found is “that bereaved people who have these needs met... are most often able to reconcile their grief and go on to find continued meaning in life and living.” Those are pretty profound words and so I think it’s worth exploring these tasks of mourning and seeing how the service relates.

What are they? Here we go.

The first task of mourning according to Dr. Wolfelt is to acknowledge the reality of the death.

Oftentimes when I officiate a funeral or memorial service the people who were closest to the person who died, will say to me, “NOW it feels real.” Up until that point, up until the day of the service, there was a part of them that was still in denial or disbelief. The service itself helps them to acknowledge the reality of the loss. At that moment, there can be no more denial about what has happened or what they are there to do.

The second task of mourning is to move towards the pain of the loss.

Let’s think about this, if you get injured in an accident, the pain from the injury is not going to get better if you ignore it. To address the

pain, you might go to the doctor or physical therapy or begin doing exercises to slowly begin to address the discomfort. Funerals and

memorial services are a kind of physical therapy for grief. They move us in the direction of what has happened so we can begin

to address how we are feeling. It doesn’t feel good, that’s for sure, but neither does that physical injury. In both cases, slowly moving towards the pain is the first step in helping it heal.

The third task of mourning is to remember the person who has died.

When a human being leaves this Earth, along with them goes their stories, their knowledge, their experiences, their teachings, their

very essence. As sad as it may seem, gathering with others to sing the praises of this person, is quite honestly, the most natural thing in the world. To quote another wise teacher, Martin Prechtel, “Grief is Praise.” And so we gather. We gather to remember. We gather to honor. We gather to sing praises and give voice to the life of our

loved one.

The fourth task of mourning is to develop a new sense of identity.

We all have roles in life. Some of us are parents, some of us are brothers or sisters, and all of us are someone’s child. When a death

occurs our roles in life shift. If we were a spouse, now we have become a widow or a widower. If we lose a parent, and especially

when we have lost both of our parents, our roles in the extended family become more significant. A funeral or memorial service is

both a subtle and not so subtle way for our community to recognize that our station in life has changed in some fundamental way.

The fifth task of mourning is the search for meaning.

When someone dies it is not uncommon for the bereaved to question all kinds of things related to the meaning of life and death. And that is

as it should be, for it is in the exploration of these bigger questions that we can find reconciliation in our grief, a deeper understanding of

our own mortality, and a reason for living going forward. As Dr. Wolfelt says, the service helps us in our search for meaning. It is the

means in which we convey “our personal beliefs and values about life and death.”

The sixth and final task of mourning is to receive ongoing support from others.

At some services, I have heard people say, “It is the hugs and love that I am receiving that are getting me through this.” And receiving

support is an essential piece of mourning. In fact, the very act of having a service is the act of asking people to come and support you.

The physical presence of others helps us to know that we are not alone. As we are surrounded by our community, our family, and our

friends, in the best of cases, those bonds are strengthened, and we know who to turn to going forward when we need help.

As I have shared this information, I hope it is apparent that the service after the death of a loved one is a multi-layered event and, in the beginning stages of a loss, is a significant piece of the grief journey. In fact I have heard it said that, “The service IS the medicine that is needed after a loss.” You don’t need to know all these things about it to get a lot of benefit. You may just know that on some level you feel better afterwards. You may just feel on some level that there was some healing that took place. And you may feel grateful, really grateful, that you took the time to honor your loved one and that you didn’t skip that step.

Blog 7 - A Proper Send Off

cbonifacino@janauglefcs.com (Carin Bonifacino) — Mon, 18 Sep 2023 17:57:21 GMT

Celebrating all of life - even the end.

When Danny was born his parents were overjoyed. They could not believe how precious he was, how perfect. They kissed his fingers and toes and loved him as the beautiful new being that he was. Baby Danny was welcomed into their extended families with much jubilation. There were photographs with grandparents, cousins, siblings, aunts. Gifts were brought for the new baby. Meals were brought for the new parents. And a sense of community formed around the family as this milestone in their lives was marked, noticed, and honored.

Every year as he grew the family had birthday parties for Danny with friends and family members present. There were cakes and games, decorations and laughter, joy and celebration of the person that Danny was becoming. Year after year, milestone after milestone was marked on the calendar and in Danny’s life. For his parents, the yearly birthday parties were also marking their own growth and evolution, their own aging process, both as people and as parents. Their lives and the life of their child were completely intertwined.

By the time he was a teenager, Danny, unfortunately, was struggling with mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, and substance abuse took him to a place where one day, near his 18th year, tragically, he decided to take his own life. It was a shock to the system for his family and friends. It was a blow to the gut that they didn’t see coming. It was a rug ripped out from under their feet and now they were laying on the floor with no idea how to stand up again.

Weeks went by and there was no funeral or memorial service. Extended family members and friends kept waiting for information about a gathering somewhere in a church, in a park, a hall - something. But nothing was ever planned to mark this ultimate milestone. No service or gathering ever happened. According to his parents, they decided against it because “it wasn’t going to bring their son back.” Along with that, they really had no beliefs about God or the afterlife so they didn’t see the point.

But what did Danny’s family miss out on? What does every person miss out on when they decide not to have a gathering of some kind for their person who has died?

They miss out on giving their person a “send off.” If we welcome a new baby into the world, why do we find it acceptable to not give that same person a send off when they leave this world? A send off - that is, a gathering of all the people who loved them most, with music and food, and stories, and poems and prayers (or not) and anything else that feels appropriate. If we ignore a departure, it leaves our work as parents, children, spouses, friends, and siblings undone. It leaves our minds and hearts in limbo if it is never said publicly that the life of this person mattered. It turns a relationship into a transaction if we did nothing but write a check to the funeral home for the cremation. It leaves our lives with a vague question mark if we continue on as if nothing is different, as if nothing has changed now.

Along with that, grieving people are missing out on their deep need to be with others who feel the loss as well. The community. The community of family and friends who have known and loved this person. Whether someone died at 96 or 16, at 45 or 62… there are other people who will miss them too. There are people whose lives were touched by them. And these extended family members and friends, need to honor the life of the person who died just as much as those immediately affected by the loss.

Where there is no gathering, no service, there is just a void. When this milestone, our leaving of this world, goes unrecognized and uncelebrated, it can seem (from the outside) as if this person was not worthy of our time and attention. And it is another loss for those left behind, whether they realize it or not.

If someone you loved was not given a proper send off, keep in mind, it’s never too late. It’s never too late to invite people together to plant a tree, or dedicate a bench, or have a meal at the person’s favorite restaurant. Offer a toast and tell some stories. It can be that simple and the effect on your grief journey will be profound. Having “done the work” of gathering, honoring, and remembering, we can embark on a future where our person is no longer physically present but with us still in memory and spirit. We can take up our place in life with this new reality in its proper context. The grief journey is not an easy one but it is made a little softer, when we make time to gather and grieve with others in whatever way feels most appropriate.

Blog 6 - Enter, Green Burial

cbonifacino@janauglefcs.com (Carin Bonifacino) — Thu, 27 Jul 2023 15:46:18 GMT

Old practices become new again.

Let’s start with a visualization exercise: I invite you to imagine a wildflower meadow. It is a mix of grasses and tall flowers. The flowers are yellow and white and purple and all around this field are dancing butterflies and busy honey bees and, occasionally, birds swoop by to snatch an insect from the air or to pick some seeds from a plant.

Imagine now that this beautiful meadow is surrounded by walking paths and benches and places for quiet reflection. Bee hives hum in one corner of the property and bird feeders and a bubbling fountain are stationed in another. Everything about this place suggests peace and natural beauty.

Now, imagine that this very place of natural beauty is also a cemetery. (Record scratch!) What? Yes. A green cemetery. Unlike the ones that you have seen your whole life, these “green” burial grounds are turning the modern concept of a cemetery on its head and they are taking off all over the state of Pennsylvania and the country as a whole.

So what exactly is “green burial?” Is it legal? Is this really a “thing?”

Green or natural burial is legal in all 50 states and right now in Pennsylvania there are about 15 cemeteries that offer this option. Green burial is a method of burial that does not require a concrete vault in the ground as most conventional cemeteries do. The body is unembalmed and is placed in a biodegradable casket or shroud. The body, then, is placed directly into the soil and allowed to decompose naturally over time. (FYI - this is how we did burial for hundreds, if not thousands of years, before embalming, concrete, and the widespread use of steel for coffins.) The cemetery itself, as illustrated above, is often maintained as a wildflower meadow or woodland or a mixture of both. Thus, the burials blend in with the landscape and the nutrients of the body go on to “feed the flowe rs” or the trees which then support other forms of life.

This model is in stark contrast to the way we currently do burial. Collectively, cemeteries across the United States are responsible for putting nearly four million gallons of embalming fluid and 64,000 tons of steel into the ground each year. (Source) In addition, we use 30 million board feet of wood for caskets and 1.6 million tons of concrete for burial vaults and monuments each year. (Source.) If those numbers sound big, they are.

The excesses of modern burial along with the expense is partly why so many people are now turning to cremation. But while cremation is definitely cheaper, it packs a punch in terms of consumption of fuel in the form of natural gas. To accomplish their task, the retorts, where cremation takes place, must burn at extremely high temperatures. Anywhere from 1400 to 1800 degrees, for one to three hours, is needed to reduce a body to its mineral components. That’s a lot of gas! Along with this, the process contributes to air pollution in the forms of carbon dioxide and heavy metals.

Enter, green burial. As explained above, the environmental impact of this form of burial is minimal. While land is being used for this practice, these kinds of cemeteries continue to support plant diversity and wildlife and are open to the public for walking, for spending time in nature, and for quiet contemplation and reflection. While this idea or method may not be for everyone, for many people who have spent countless hours gardening, bird watching, and/or spending time in nature, this is the method that resonates with their values and aligns with their wishes. Maybe it makes sense to you too! If so, I encourage you to reach out to us at Naugle Funeral Home or learn more at greenburialpa.org

Blog 5 - The Electric Slide

cbonifacino@janauglefcs.com (Carin Bonifacino) — Wed, 05 Jul 2023 18:26:18 GMT

There are no rules when it comes to a funeral or memorial service.

Despite what many people think, there are no rules when it comes to holding or creating a funeral or memorial service for someone you loved. None. I have officiated services in churches and funeral homes, in parks and country clubs, under tents in fields, and in living rooms and backyards.

As a celebrant, when working with a family who has lost someone, I specialize in “no rules” and nothing makes me happier than when people get to create a service that truly celebrates the life of their loved one and that gives them a meaningful and unique way to grieve.

Here are a few examples of things I have witnessed or helped facilitate:

The telling of jokes at the graveside for a man who was a joker his whole life.
The decorating of a plain pine box with poems, drawings, and “good-byes” before the service for a man who was killed in an accident.
The “boy scout salute” by those in attendance for a man who had volunteered for decades with the boy scouts.
The playing of “favorite songs” as part of the service - in some cases, “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York,” and even the “Electric Slide.”
The wearing of Hawaiian shirts by those in attendance or that of the deceased person’s favorite sports team.
The telling of favorite stories and memories of the person who has died - sometimes this is one part of the service, sometimes the whole thing.
The use of flower petals, balls of yarn, candles, and/or bowls of water to create moments of remembrance, release, and connection with the person who died and the people present.

I could go on and on. The point is, a funeral or memorial service need not be anything like the ones you have attended in the past. When you work with a celebrant you have a “say” and you get to create something in which the life of your person is front and center, not an afterthought. I wish for that opportunity for everyone. I wish for the opportunity for each person to experience the “Celebration of Life” that both they and their loved one deserves. Even if, especially if, it means playing the “Electric Slide.”

Blog 4 - Going the Distance

cbonifacino@janauglefcs.com (Carin Bonifacino) — Wed, 21 Jun 2023 15:52:37 GMT

Going the Distance: In Life and In Death

When Jerry’s wife died, he knew he wanted to be at the funeral home when her body was cremated. He and Sharon had started out as high school sweethearts. Over the decades, they had two children together and had supported and loved one another through all the ups and downs that life can bring - career changes, moves, and the illnesses and deaths of both their parents. Now that Sharon was gone, succumbing to the cancer that had robbed her of her vitality over the past year, Jerry felt that being present with her “all the way to the end” was something that he owed her. This woman who had been his partner in all things; this woman who had been with him every step of the way in this journey called “life;” he would be there with her every step of the way, even in death. He informed his adult daughters that he was going to do a “witness cremation” for their mother at the crematory and invited them to join him. Seeing how important this was to their father they said “yes,” and agreed to accompany him.

A witness cremation is not something that most people have heard of. It is a service provided by most crematories that allows families the option to watch as their loved one is cremated. Now, by “watch” I don’t mean they see the actual flames or watch the body incinerate. What I mean is that they stand at a window, usually in an adjoining room, and watch the box or casket that contains their loved one go into the chamber. There may or may not be a small ceremony beforehand but either way, just by being present, there is an implicit acknowledgement that something significant is about to happen. And in this case, the “something significant” is that the body of their loved one is about to be transformed. In fact, the body of their loved one is about to take its final form. And in many ways, it is this moment , which truly signifies that their physical journey in this life is over.

Obviously, this act of witnessing your loved one’s cremation may not be something you desire to do. But for those who would consider it, I offer you this: Do we not witness babies being born? Do we not have loved ones gathered round as the woman labors - spouses, partners, grandparents - and even other siblings are often present at a birth. We celebrate this new being as it comes into the world. And yes, I realize that often people are surrounded by loved ones as they are actively dying and that is as it should be. Consider then that this “witnessing the cremation” piece is just one more step in the process of honoring someone you loved as their physical body leaves this world. Consider then that this is just one more step in “going the distance” with them. Consider then that by acknowledging that our loved one is about to be transformed, we may recognize on some level that we are too.

Blog 3- Pure Joy

cbonifacino@janauglefcs.com (Carin Bonifacino) — Thu, 11 May 2023 14:32:52 GMT

Flowers as Medicine for the Heart and Mind

I am a fan of flowers. Everyone is different but, personally, I can’t imagine anything more appropriate, healing, or uplifting after a death than bouquets or arrangements of fresh flowers. In my book, they are pure joy, and when I have received them after a loss they gave me so much more value than whatever the person paid for them.

If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you, whether a family member or a friend, then you may know how desolate it’s possible to feel.
If the loss was sudden or violent or tragic, then you may know how unfair or mean or truly scary the world can seem. If you didn’t get to say good-bye to someone or if their dying involved a lot of suffering, then you may know how it feels to carry grief that feels like physical pain, that feels sharp, that needs a salve of some kind.

Enter flowers. I am not saying that they will magically take all the pain away. But I am saying that they are medicine. They are medicine for the mind and heart. They are medicine for our weary souls and grief stricken spirits. Beauty is medicine, my friends. Innocence and joy are medicine. Where only sorrow can be found, they offer themselves as antidote. They offer their color, their shapes, their light, their energy as evidence that the world is still a beautiful place and as evidence that life continues and will go on.

I know many people feel that flowers are a “waste.” “They’re just going to die,” you may have heard folks say. And while each grieving person may not need fifty flower arrangements at their house or at a service, I would never say that flowers are a “waste.” Rather, I would say that they are essential - essential components for beginning to restore hope where hope may be lost; essential ingredients for uplifting hearts where they are downcast; and essential elements because they are of the earth, and we are of the earth, and they offer themselves to us as salve for our grief.

Blog 2 - Grief is Patient

Wed, 12 Apr 2023 16:35:31 GMT

Grief is Patient

When my husband died in 2014, his loss was sudden and unexpected. It blindsided us all - his family, friends, co-workers, and extended community. He was young and it was tragic. As a widow, my main focus was on my children who were 12 and 14 years old at the time. They were traumatized on so many levels. They left for school one morning and had a dad. When they came home that same day, they didn’t. Their world was turned upside down and I felt like I was the only person they could really turn to for comfort, support, and reassurance. I felt like my job was to be there for them as much as possible, even as they clung to me, at times, in fear that something “bad” might happen to me too. “I’m the grown up,” I kept saying. “I can handle this.” “They’re just kids. They don’t have the tools or resources for dealing with this kind of thing.”

And so, despite the fact that I would rage in my grief by myself at times; despite the fact that I would sob in the car and in the house and on walks by myself; despite the fact that I thought I was “attending to” my grief as best I could, I put most of my focus, thoughts, time, and attention on my children. They were my biggest concern. “I was the grown up.” I’d be fine.

But here’s the thing - I wasn’t. What I longed for, what I craved, what I felt I needed down deep in my soul, more than anything, was time away. Time away from work and kids and daily life. Time to catch up in my heart and mind with what had just happened to my life and my love. Time to stare at the ocean and do nothing else. Time and space for what Alan Wolfelt says grief needs - “sanctuary.” That’s what I wanted - “a place of refuge for my grief from the outside world.”

Sadly, unfortunately, I pushed that need aside and I “pushed through.” I kept going. I kept showing up for all the other people and things in my life that “needed” me and I ignored the part of me that was crying for time alone. And eight years later, (that’s how long it’s been), that part of me is still waiting for that time away. That wounded part of me is still waiting for sanctuary - a place by the ocean where I can stare at the water and leave the world behind. And here’s what I’ve realized - it’s not too late. Even though almost a decade has passed, it’s not too late to spend time with my grief by the ocean. It’s not too late to give myself the thing that I needed most back then. And what I want to say is that it’s not too late for you either. It’s not too late to mourn all the people, places, and things that you haven’t had time to grieve. It’s not too late to give yourself the time and space that you didn’t have back when the divorce happened, or the job loss, or the miscarriage, or the death of someone you loved. Grief is patient. It will wait. It will wait until you think you’re “over it” or you’ve moved on or you’re “doing fine.” And then it will say, “Remember me?” Even after years or decades have gone by, it’s not too late (it’s never too late) to tend to the most wounded parts of ourselves, to feel into them, and to ask, “What do you need?” And then give it.

Rev. Carin Bonifacino

Rev. Carin Bonifacino writes about life, death, and love for both Grieco and Naugle Funeral Homes in the "Life is Short: Notes from a Funeral Home" blog. She is an active funeral and memorial service celebrant, a funeral director's assistant, and a death educator. Carin co-leads the monthly "Death Cafe Kennett Square" with Susan Grieco and is the co-founder of "Friends of Green Burial PA," an education and advocacy organization related to natural burial in the state of Pennsylvania. You can reach her at cbonifacino@griecofunerals.com

Blog 1 - The Love

Fri, 24 Mar 2023 21:22:27 GMT

The Love

When I was in my early twenties, studying plants and learning how to grow things for a living, I had no idea that three decades later, I’d be officiating funerals and memorial services and writing eulogies for a living. I had no idea that my own personal losses would put me on a trajectory to work with grieving people and to spend time with them, asking questions, and learning about the lives of their loved ones.

It is such a beautiful line of work . Unlike what you might imagine, it is neither morbid nor depressing. While we do talk about the person’s death, when I meet with a family who has lost someone, what we focus on is their person’s life . What we focus on is who they were and how they lived, what made them special and all the things they will never forget. And after having had these conversations with families for a few years now, there are a few things that have become clear to me about what matters most and what doesn’t after someone is gone.

It won’t matter what political party you belonged to or who you voted for. It won’t matter how much money you made or how big or small your house was. It won’t matter what car you drove or how many followers you had on social media. It won’t matter what titles you had or how many letters after your name. It won’t matter if you were rich or poor, successful by modern standards or just “getting by.” And it won’t matter how much stuff you had or where it came from.

In the end, what matters most is who did you love? And who loved you? And how did you show them and share with them and express that love? Who did you serve? And how generous were you with your time and your talents and your very self? Who did you lift up? Who did you care for? And who were you there for - with an ear, a hug, a card, a phone call, a check?

In the end, it’s the love that matters mo st - that is what people remember; that is what they hold in their hearts; that is what gets them through after you’re gone. The Love. Everything else, my friends, is forgotten.

Rev. Carin Bonifacino